Thursday, April 29, 2010

I'm going through changes

When there’s something in your life, something that’s always there, something you take for granted, grow accustomed to, take comfort in, and then that something is suddenly gone, how are you supposed to react?

When it’s there you can develop bad habits, get lazy, at times resent it, have arguments, and begin to consider that the hard work it takes outweighs the good times. At increasingly irregular moments the highs are untouchable, but for most part the highs and lows begin to see eye to eye.

Then you see the end on the horizon, standing in the distance with a stern look and fatigued body language. It knows the difficulties that await you despite the reality that your own brain can’t calculate the loss until the funeral parade is slowly cruising away from the grave. Time passes and you ignore the inevitable, convinced the future will never arrive.

Words of restoration are exchanged but deep down you know they carry no weight. A mind has been made, and it is steadfast.

Then, with a burst of concentrated aggression, it’s all over.

The separation is awkward and fumbled. There are no handshakes simply because the mind still hasn’t accepted the fact that this goodbye is actually different.

You’re now free. Time that was once occupied is now available. You learn to accept that you no longer need what was once something you so strongly believed in. This is you moving on. This is you focusing your energy on other things. Resetting.

Time passes, then more time passes. But as is always the case something appears from nowhere, when you least expect it, standing on the horizon. Something fresh, something intriguing, tempting, standing there with a sly look and reserved body language. Show me what you've got.

The time in your mind rusts itself to a grinding crawl as eagerness advances the clock much more slowly. A contrast that mutates days into what now feel like years. Things develop organically, naturally.

(Press play. Make it loud.)

Your approach is now more confident. You appreciate this opportunity for you have accepted previously made mistakes, made adjustments, focused on your flaws. Refined.

This is what you’ve been waiting for. This combination is more powerful, potent, dynamic, and cogent. Explosive. You’ve paid your dues. Deep breaths have been taken and you’ve forged through life’s obstacles to get to this exact moment. Thrilling. Months worth of patiently bided time disintegrate in the shadow of a few hours of engrossed rapture.

And that’s it. You’ve arrived. Nothing can take it away from you. Attempts are made to strip from you what is new, what you feel you deserve, what you feel you've earned, but it is impossible. You’re a vacuum of all that is negative, taking what has been thrust upon you and pulverizing it like an industrial machine made for recycling resistance and expelling it back into the world with reliance.

You understand your abilities, your strengths. You know who you are and seize anything within your grasp and reconstruct what lacks direction. You guide.

These are familiar grounds, but you’re now greeting possibility with a firmer handshake and a confidence that has congregated in your being like a stampede. A strength in numbers braced to serve the only deserving master capable of commanding this energy: You.

Everything is summarized with an authoritative detonation. The concentrated aggression is unleashed again. Minutes crumble and step aside to the locomotive proficiency of honed ability.

You clench your teeth and suffer through what feels like a turbine-like presence standing over your shoulder releasing an unending, adamant, tenacious, caustic scream. A sound capable of blocking light. A sound so deafening that any attempts to place yourself in the moment are an exercise in absolute futility.

And then it’s gone,

But not for long.

What had once meant so much to you is now over, and you didn’t fully understand the power it held until it was returned to you. Now it’s here, and you’re unstoppable.



Rafa (No Solo Metal) said...

Great reading! Vague but moving.
I assume the post title is for Black Sabbath's song?

Chaosbeard said...

You assume correctly, and thanks.